all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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