Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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