Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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