ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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