Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
