DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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