He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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