do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
