Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
