This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
