i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
