I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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