Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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