i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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