I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
