I puked a lego.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
accomplished twins. life is a go
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
