I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
