well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
