maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
