Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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