Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How naked do you want me to be?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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