this beer tastes like vomit already
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There's always time for handjobs
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
