it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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