I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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