just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
