There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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