Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
