i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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