omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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