that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
