there's paper in my vomit.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
