Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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