I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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