You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
organizing the empties. That sober.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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