If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
