Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
