You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
