meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
