rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
