I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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