how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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