You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
