I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
