My first STD was from a foam party
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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