I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
