I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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