I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You took a bar mat shot.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
