i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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