WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
