i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just gift wrapped bread.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
