Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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