I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
