We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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