I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Mom said you looked used
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
