i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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