Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
