Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Bring me that man meat
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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