Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
